You’re Doing it Wrong

Mom: Okay, who’s going to do the cat litter tonight?
Me: Not me!
Neil: Not me!
Mom: Shot gun!!!
Me:…
Neil:…
Mom:…wait…

Online Complaints

Me: I know me, I’m not going to go for an hour long lab
Me:I just won’t
Adam says:call and complain
Me: hahah
Me:call who?
Adam says: professors
Adam says: registrar
Adam says: deans
Adam says: presidents
Adam says: politicians
Adam says: tv stations
Adam says: bat man
Adam says: ghost busters
Adam says: janitorial staff
Adam says: architects
Me: oh

Dear Enfagrow

I wrote this to Enfagrow in response to their super ugly ads that sort of freak me out.

“Your current ads for Enfagrow featuring cartoon drawings of children are, simply put, awful. The children all look like they are demonic creatures from a really bad horror movie. These ads make me want to not buy any of your products ever because the money is obviously going towards paying untalented hacks to created ridiculously bad advertising.

I cannot stress enough how terrible these advertisements are. Continuing to run this campaign is doing yourself a disservice. No one wants their kids to look anything like the creatures in your ads. If you’re advertising something that supposedly encourages children’s health, you may want to have the ads feature children that don’t look as if they’ve returned from the grave.”

Wooah

Me: I don’t like bank robbery movies
Adam: Well it’s based on a true story
Me: Oh that totally changes my whole opinion on the video. The entire thing. It’s just so much better now
Adam: What about Ocean’s 11
Me: That’s not a bank robbery movie, it’s a casino heist
Adam: Oh whatever
Me: Plus Don Cheadle is in it!
Adam: But Jason Statham is in the Bank Job, and he’s like 10 Don Cheadles
Me: No he’s not
Adam: But he has the strength of 10 Don Cheadles
Me:…
Adam: But not the blackness of 10 Don Cheadles
Adam: You’re not going to blog that I said that are you?

Wanna be a cubicle hero

Adam: I want an average job, but not be an average person.
Chelsea: You don’t want lots of money?
Adam: Well yeah.
Chelsea: So you’ll have millions of dollars and a corner office, and be like ‘oh, I wanted money, but to work in a cubicle so I could be like an average person’
Adam: No, I’d like, punch people

What Just Happened?

Me: Why are you driving this way?
Adam: It’s shorter.
Me: No it’s not.
Adam: It so is!
Me: We go past the bank and double back. Plus drive through a playground zone.
Adam: School zones end at 4:30
Me: Well, it’s 4:45 so it doesn’t matter.
Adam:…
Me: I said playground zones, regardless, so anything I said after that doesn’t even count.

Will I Be Rich?

Me: People say that, but I guess writing is just what I do. I could write pages and pages for no reason.
Guy: It is a nice talent to have, I wish I could write like that.
Me: I suppose, but I would rather have a useful talent sometimes, like accounting or being Paris Hilton

My Musical Prowess is Only Outdone by my Inappropriateness

*listening to Stevie Wonder with J*
J: *dancing like Stevie*
Chelsea: *dancing like Stevie*
J: You do that well
Chelsea: I know, people say that
Chelsea: Fuck Jaime Foxx, the role shoulda been mine!
J: That was Ray Charles
J: The other black, blind guy
Chelsea: …oh

Fathering Stupidity

Upon discussing the 16 year old in Argentina who just gave birth to her second set of triplets.

Me: She should just go for the world record, it’s the only way she’ll make enough money to feed them all.
Adam: I’ll go help her.
Me: But if Tide and Pampers don’t sponsor her, you’ll be fiscally responsible.
Adam: …oh.
Me: But up until that, it was sounding like a good idea?
Adam:…

Oh Lend Me Your Ear and I Will Sing You a Song

Chelsea: That was really mean
Adam: Why? Because I wrote a song about you off the top of my head and sang it to you.
Chelsea: I was singing about how much I love you and you started singing about how I smell like poo
Adam: You sang along though.
Chelsea: Well it was catchy.