Living Together

Me: I wish we lived together.
Adam: Well we could now.
Me: How?
Adam: I could drop out of school
Me:…
Adam: Yeah, and then I would have to sell myself for a living.
Me: …And then we could live together?
Adam: No. I would get addicted to drugs. And then I’d have to go to rehab. And in rehab I’d find God, so I’d go and live in a monastery.
Me: And I’d live with you there?
Adam: No. I’d get a great product idea while I lived in the monastery, like the Shamwow. I’d sell it, and I’d make tons of money and be rich, but then I’d get addicted to drugs again. Then I’d have to sell myself on the streets to buy drugs. Then one night, this old lady would become very taken with me and offer me lots of money to spend the weekend with her.
Me: And you’d use that money to buy a house?
Adam: No. I’d spend it all on drugs. Then I’d bottom out and have to get a job in a Subway and move back in with my parents. I’d save up, and then go back to school. I’d get my degree, find a good job and we would live together.
Me: Right. Great plan.

What Are We Doing?

Me: Hawaii doesn’t have all inclusive resorts
Mom: So? I don’t drink.
Me: But with all inclusives you get lots of activities. Jet skis included. And your horse skis.
Mom: Horse skis?
Me: Yeah. You like, ride skis behind a horse.
Mom: Well. I’m just going to quit my job so I can have a week off in February so I can go horse skiing.

Bringing Sexy Back From the Cold Food Section

on the phone…
Me: I’m going to bed now.
Adam: I’m rubbing a block of cold processed cheese on my body.
Me:…
Adam: Does that do anything for you?
Me: Wow.

Speaking of Journey

*I sing a lot of 80s music to myself*
Me: Just a small down girl living in a lonely world…
Adam: Where was she going?
Me: Anywhere. She was a location slut.

Sew Gross

Adam: *burps*
Me: That was so gross.
Adam: Could have been worse.
Me: How?
Adam: I could have thrown up. Or shat out my mouth?
Me: Who has ever done that?
Adam: …an owl.

Problems With English? Yes?

Me: That was funny, I’m funny!
Adam: You are short.
Me:…
Adam: Which is a synonym for funny.
Me:…
Adam: Wait not a synonym.
Me:…
Adam: An isosceles

Justice for One

TV: “An underpinning of our justice system is that it’s better to let 100 guilty men walk free than lock up once innocent man.”
Me: I totally don’t agree with that.
Adam: So you think it’s better to lock up innocent people?
Me: If it means guilty people go to jail.
Adam: So you’d be willing to go to jail if you were innocent?
Me: If it meant 100 guilty men had to stay in jail.
Adam: Even if they were guilty of bad dancing?

Tiddlywinks is for chumps

Adam: So, Tiddlywinks.
Me: Did you just call me Tiddlywinks?
Adam: *goes for pounds*
Me:…
Adam:…
Me:…
Adam: I am just so awesome, it’s unbelievable

The Internet is the only way to know

Me: I took this test on the internet.
Adam: Pregnancy?